The Offensive Reality











{September 9, 2009}   Penis, Penis, Penis-Vagina, Vagina, Vagina

Okay people, now explain this one to me. When did we become so childish that we cannot even say the correct terms for body parts?! I mean seriously, we are grown-ups, right? Do we want our children growing up afraid to actually call their penises and vagina’s by their right names?

I was reading a blog the other day, where a woman was talking about her daughter and her body parts. I don’t even remember what the actual topic was at this point. At the end of the page this professional woman made reference to little Haley (or whatever her name was) and her Vajayjay. Wait. What?! What is that? Some new Rap Artist I haven’t caught on the radio yet, or seen in the scandal tabloids yet? No, she was talking about her daughter’s vagina. Vajayjay. Really.

So I brought this topic up to some of my friends and readers and was in complete shock at some of the things I’ve heard. Of course we have some of the old favorites on the list. Bird. Pussy. Cunt. Twat. Can we get more grotesquely vulgar?! And then I heard a few that made me cry out laughing, feeling sorry for the poor girl who grew up calling hers a “bunny.” Bunny?! Those cute little furry things? Lets take this one for a moment. There is a children’s book, Pat the Bunny. Don’t even think of patting this bunny. And how about the Energizer commercials where it says “Do you have the bunny inside.” Let me check. Yep. No crotchless panties for me. Blue Bunny ice cream. Is that the female version of blue balls? And here is my favorite she gave me: Veggie tales song: The Bunny Song. It goes something like this: “The bunny, the bunny, oh I ate the bunny… and now I feel sick in head from the bunny…” Are you freakin’ kidding me?! I can see all of you snickering like teenagers in Sex Ed. Come on people! It is a damn VAGINA!! Don’t do this to your kid. Could you imagine some 80-year-old woman, telling her gynecologist that her bunny is hurting. I wouldn’t be surprised he told her with a straight face to call her vet.

Now here is the one that affects me more, considering I have sons. Penis. What is wrong with saying penis?! What do we have here: dick, woody, pecker, cock. And from the same poor girl who has a bunny, her brothers and uncles all had “little rose buds.” OMG. Could you do this to your son. He’s in gym class and gets nailed with the kickball. He then has to tell his coach that he was hurt in his little rose bud. Do we need a gardener?! My son was huge into the movie Toy Story for about 2 years. We had tons of Buzz and Woody dolls lying around. One year for Christmas I decided to get him this large doll of Woody, that came with some pretty cool accessories. So excited, he ran up to a family member that evening saying “Aunty! Look! I have a big Woody!” The snickers and sniggers traveling the room were deafening. And dick. It’s a name! We’ve condemned every man ever named Richard to this phallic nickname for eternity. I feel so sorry for the race car driver who’s parents named him Dick Trickle. Honest to God, there really was a driver named that. What the hell is wrong with people?! Why, oh why would you to that to your kids. It’s the same with their poor little testicles. Balls, berries, nuts, family jewels. They are TESTICLES people! Testicles.

So can we please, please be grown-ups about all this. Don’t we show our immaturity in enough other ways?

Well, here is OffensiveJ while I go change my son’s tushie!


(And a big thank you to OffensiveJ for reminding me of my irritation on this topic!)
___________________________________________
A small list of words meaning BREASTS!
(courtesy of http://www.dribbleglass.com/Jokes/breasts.htm)

Baby Pillows, Balloons, Bangers, Bassoons, Baubles, Bazongas, Bee Stings, Betty and Wilmas, Betty Boops,Big Boppers,Blouse Bunnies, Bologna Bags, Boobies, Boozies, Bosoms, Bottles, Bodacious Tatas, Boulders, Cannon Balls, Cans, Cantaloupes, Carumbas, Casabas, Cha-Chas, Charlies, Charms, Cherry pies, Dinner Plates, Dirigibles, Double Whammies, Droopies, Dueling Banjos, Ear Muffs, Feeding Bottles, Flesh Melons, Floaters, Floppers, Gazongas, Glands, Globes, Grapefruits, Guavas, Hand Warmers, Headlamps, Headlights, Hooters, Hottentots, Huffies, Jugs, Jumbos, Kazongas, Knobs, Knockers, Love Melons, Love Muffins, Lulus, Lungs

A small list of words meaning PENIS!
(courtesy of http://www.butchcrassidyjokes.com/penis_slang.html)

Harry Johnson,  Harry Wang, The little soldier, Willie, Dick, Cock (roosters are known for getting up in the morning), Summer Sausage, The wild bologna pony, The head that thinks for me, My little pony, The “Package”, Unit, The Tool, Power Drill, Jack Hammer, Schlong (for some it should be called Schort.), Weiner, Frankfurter, Larry, Jack-in-the-box, Noodle, Captain Winkie, Better than chocolate, “IT”, The one eyed monster, The magic wand, The joystick, The Salamander, The Snake (a.k.a. Boa)

A small list of words meaning VAGINA!
(courtesy of
http://www.blackchampagne.com/slang-dirty.shtml#vagina)

Axe/hatchet wound Ass mate Bearded oyster Beaver Beef curtains Bikini bizkit Cock holster Cooter (Southern US regionalism) Cherry pop Cat flaps Cha-cha Chuff Furburger Grumble Hairy goblet (what a knight might drink from) Honey pot Honeysuckle Hooch Hush puppy Lick-me-please-me Muff Mud flaps Map of Tassie/Mapatazi (Map of Tasmania) Panty hamster Passion fruitPoonany Quim Southern belle Taco (pink) Tongue magnet Velcro triangle Vertical bacon sandwich Vertical smile Wunder down under

vagina2

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JimmyBean says:

I don’t know If I said it already but …Hey good stuff…keep up the good work! 🙂 I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks,)

A definite great read..Jim Bean



offensivechris says:

Thank you very much! J and I appreciate it.



Love this post.

I never use words like that when actually referring to body parts in the course of a real conversation. However, I still use them for comic effect and to basically swear my ass off with. That’s still cool, right? 😉



offensivechris says:

Using them in any joking content is more than cool! That is where they are fun!



xwidep says:

Excellent, I think it is ridiculous, I have three daughters and I don’t want them to grow up being embarrassed about sex or their sexual organs – ignorance should not be propogated by such terms it leads to further lack of understanding and potnetial harmful psychological damage – I hate all the baby words, horsey, doggey, pussycat they are fine to be used in play but when being educated/introoduced they should be clear and concise use of language horse, dog, cat, vagina, penis, hand, foot see hwat I mean, fancy for the first eleven years of your life it had only ever been called a handywandy or piggy toes – sheesh!! kids may not be able to communicate properly but they understand and remember it all! *rant over* Great Article



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