The Offensive Reality











{October 6, 2009}   ex-oh-ex-oh-ex-oh

Okay, here is the deal. I am friggin’ sick and tired of dealing with asshole exes. Now before you start getting all huffy and what not, I am not a “man hater” as some people say. I do not put all my past expirences on other men. I just seem to have the misfortune, that the real pricks out there know how to spot me. And then I have to deal with the drama. An endless abyss of drama, since dealing with assholes, means also dealing with their childish aquaintances. You know them. I’m sure you all have “that ex” in there somewhere.

oops did i do that?

oops did i do that?

Today though, we are going to deal with the asshole exes, that were lucky enough to be blessed with your child. I’ve tried beyond might to be the “friend.” Personally, the only reason I even care one shit what happens to this person is because I love my child. I don’t care who they are sleeping with, what their job is doing to them, why their other ex is the biggest whore on the face of the earth. I used to care. Well, from a friend point. I wanted to be friends, even after the hell I went through, especially after I left. Now, all bets are off. Wake the fuck up?! It is about the child. Not you, not me, not your new ex, or your family, or your friends. One person. That little one sitting their wondering why you aren’t keeping your damn promises.

You call me up, crying on my shoulder. You need someone to talk to. You know you screwed me over… you can see so clearly now. Okay fine. I’m glad you are growing up. Wait, what? Oh, that’s right, it’s an act. You don’t know how to grow up. The world owes you, and has screwed you over. And now so is everyone else. Then suddenly I am. Oh, what? You don’t want to pay child support. Well, maybe you should stop sleeping with everything that crosses your path. It’s not child’s fault you are a loser. That poor little person just wants to know where you are. And when you don’t show up, guess who has to fix it?

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that part of my chest, here it is. I am sick of hearing non stop about parents using their kids as weapons. They think only of themselves, and then use the kids as a means to hurt the other person. When you have a child you need to grow your ass up. Life will never be about you anymore. Everything you do is going to affect that little innocent child.

Here is your f*ing reality check: You are not God’s gift to the human race. The world owes you nothing. You owe the child everything. I have absolutely no interest in ever being with you again. Now grow the fuck up, and be a parent.

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HOW ‘BOUT IT!!?? (and i’m not a man hater either.. i’m just a hater of my ex)

You know, kids say the darnest things… My kids came home the other day to tell me that their sperm donor is trying to get me back! ROTFLMAO OMG WTF AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (you totally should have seen my face as I just typed that out).  I really want to be polite in front of my children and I was. I simply told them “sorry sweetie, daddy and I just don’t get along enough for me to go back to him” when what I really wanted to say was “OMG, that is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.. WHY would I leave a stable home and everything to go live in a hellhole with the biggest asshole in the world just to live day to day by scavenging in the couch for enough change to buy our next meal”

OK you say.. “that’s a bit exaggerated Offensive J”.. NO it’s really not!  Now I know what this ex is going to do.  He is going to pull out the INTIMIDATION card because he thinks it will still work on me.  Sad thing is, that wore off a LONG time ago!

So what some of your EX horror stories?  We wanna hear them!  Give us your best!

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{September 18, 2009}   Welcome to the Big Top

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls! Children of all ages! If you would kindly direct your eyes center ring, we proudly bring you are grandest act: REAL LIFE!

I mean, because, isn’t that what life has become? A circus. Everyone thinks they are owed something. Everyone thinks the world owes them. But you only see a handful of people thinking about what you can do for others. Take a look at the world around you. Some pretty important people are making other people their business. So why can’t we, the little people, do the same.

I’ve got to admit, I do not get a chance to get outside of my town much. But I’ve been learning this whole “internet” thing (Maybe you’ve heard of it?), and although I’m not so good with it yet, I’m getting there. Wow. Can you believe there is a whole world outside of my little hicktown. (I say this because we didn’t even have a Walmart until 3 years ago, and the closet Mall is over an hour away. And don’t forget the horse and buggies. Yeah. Lots of horses and buggies.)

And now that I’m back from that tangent, back to the internet thing. Lets start with Twitter. I was only on a few weeks when the Iranian Election took place. I had no clue, since I have no cable, and our crappy little newspaper doesn’t like to print anything other than why the school board shouldn’t fix the shifting floors, and who shot what animal in whatever season it is. (Yes, again I stress : Hicktown.) Suddenly I was getting #iranelection in all my friends tweets. Can you imagine my shock when I clicked on it?! I was watching a whole world open up before me. I was fearful and terrorfied for those people. And I was in amazement of how everyone was reacting, pulling together. (Wish we would do that for our own country!) I started getting URL’s for videos of Obama’s speeches, and links to articles on what people were saying. And well, if you read some of my other blogs, you’ll know exactly how appalled I am at the nation.

And then I saw a post about getting involved. I was curious. I clicked. I went here: http://www.iparticipate.org/ And I wanted to be involved. I watched something called Ustream, and was overly excited to feel I was seeing something amazing.

Granted, I can’t really donate anything. I’m struggling as it is. Like the rest of the world. And because I’m a single parent, I don’t have a lot of time. (Okay, well, that is a major understatement.) But I would love more than anything to be out there, helping out. Doing my piece. Thankfully I’ve joined in an amazing Dojo, that does infact like to participate in helping out wherever it can. And they let me take my kids, so I’m not a hermit anymore.

But I came to a simple conclusion. I made a step. I looked. I see. Now I want to be a part of it. How about you? It sort of goes back to my other blog. I have a cause for you: SAVE AMERICA. Start here. Become AWARE.

(I know, this isn’t as harsh as my other blogs. I can’t really find a way to be pissy with this. OffensiveJ?)

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I love being involved in things that make a difference and since OffensiveChris spoke about one of those great causes, I want to give you another one to think about.  To Write Love on Her Arms! And there is no better way to tell you about it then to include their Mission Statement and their Visions.

MISSION STATEMENT:

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.  TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

VISION:

The vision is that we actually believe these things…

You were created to love and be loved.  You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story.  You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world.  My friend Byron is very smart – he says that life is hard for most people most of the time.  We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments.  You need to know that you’re not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition.  We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss.  Millions of people live with problems of pain.  Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay.  We know that pain is very real.  It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption.  We’re seeing it happen.  We’re seeing lives change as people get the help they need.  People sitting across from a counselor for the first time.  People stepping into treatment.  In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline.  We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take.  We want to say here that it’s worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it’s possible to change.

Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.

The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.

The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

The vision is better endings.  The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships.  The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love.  The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise.  The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we’re more loved than we’ll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.

I hope you enjoy the two causes we included in this blog.  Of course there are many out there and if you think there are some we would like to get behind, then feel free to contact us at theoffensivereality@gmail.com



WARNING: THIS IS A LONG POST BUT VERY MUCH WORTH IT!

I’ve been hearing a lot of disturbing things coming my way lately. And they have a lot to do with an extremely touchy subject with me. That would be Domestic Violence.

WTF is wrong people, who sit there and turn the blame around on the victims?! I’ve heard the statements “well maybe she deserved it,” “maybe if she hadn’t done that,” “she was stupid enough to go back,” and my favorite “well, maybe if she’d not have gotten herself into this in the first place…” Are you fucking kidding me?! Let’s break this down a little.

We now live in a society where the actual criminal has more legal right than the victim. They take all sorts of pictures, take him away in handcuffs, recommend you go to the hospital, and then out the door they head, with a simple pitiful look your direction. The next day, he is out on bail, with a simple “stay away” slap on the wrist, until the so-called hearing transpires. So the victim is left in fear. Because a temporary PFA, an actual PFA, or even a warning from the police is no security measure. Yeah, it is a consequence. But it isn’t stopping the bastard from walking right back in there and doing worse. This is one reason “she is stupid enough to go back.” He shows up, he threatens her. Or, even worse, he shows up, breaks down crying, telling her he is so sorry, he is going to get help, he can change, blah fucking blah. Yeah. Oh he will. He’ll get worse.

Or, the battered woman has no support system to help her out of this. She can turn to no one. And of course, some of you dipshits are going to say that she can go to the shelter, friends, family, the law. She isn’t thinking that. She’s afraid for anyone to know. The bruises are hidden. Why do you think she is wearing long sleeves in the dead of summer? That scarf isn’t just because it is in style. Being abused doesn’t just damage your outside. You feel like you are nothing. Like you deserve nothing. You can’t get anything better, so you best not lose what you have, even if it is killing you. And on top of it, it WASN’T always like this. So when you say “she shouldn’t have gotten herself into this in the first place,” remember that if he’d punched on their first date, there probably wouldn’t have been a second. There was love, at least on her part. There were good times. Those are freakin amazing, and hard to let go of. Even when they become few and far between, you know they were still there. You believe, they have to still be there.

Now, say that the woman is able to move forward, and push the trial, and push for the law to help. I’ve got news for you: the system doesn’t care. Oh, they tell you they do. They promise you he wont see the light of day for what he did to you. You are safe. Look at Rihanna. Chris Brown got probation and community service. He cried how he didn’t know he was doing this. It runs in his family. He was so sorry, because he loves her so much. Bullshit. They get a slap on the wrist, and maybe 6 months. A PFA is just a piece of paper, and now-a-days, people seem to be putting them on each other just in revenge. That weakens our system. Then those who really need them are looked down upon. I know two different innocent men right now who are having their lives raked over the coals at the wims of two psyco ex-girlfriends, and a power hungry judge and D.A. And I know some overly guilty men out there walking free, terrorizing their exes because the system has just seen it too much.

Open your eyes people!!! Become AWARE! TEACH your children, your family, your friends. Teach your WORLD. Change it.

And to those of you who say “maybe she deserved it.” Watch out. Because if that is how you are thinking, you are red flagged. You probably are an abuser, or on your way to being one. Perhaps you should save humanity a little integrity and take a walk off a cliff. Preferably with a lot of rocks at the bottom.

If you haven’t figured it out from my view points, I am a domestic violence SURVIVOR. I am not going to tell you my “story”on here. I live it every night in my head. But I want people to learn from it. I am not a victim. I have my victim days. I am lucky. I have a huge support system. But I’m still fighting. I am a SURVIVOR.
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I’m also a survivor and OffensiveChris’s story and mine are different.  Domestic violence comes in many many forms: verbal, sexual and physical.  I’m also not going to tell my story today.  I was going to link to a video by a popular youtuber but I decided against it for two reasons. One, why should I give him more views and two, I don’t feel like being the person that sends people to his video to verbally abuse him.  I posted a comment to his video when I saw it, and instead of having others that agreed with me I had people telling me to “Fuck off” and that I was “a dumb cunt”.  I let these comments roll off my back because in my life, I have been called a lot worse by people that were not behind a computer.  I didn’t post the comment because I dislike the youtuber, but because I just really felt offended by his statement.  I know he is there to get shock value and I should have just let his comment also roll down my back, but in the heat of the moment I couldn’t help myself.  To this day, I still watch his videos and have no hard feelings towards him.

So instead of that video, I’m going to give you some inspirational quotes and poems that I have used in the past in my other blog in case you happen to be one of those people stuck in an abusive relationship and don’t have anyone else to turn too.  Remember Chris and I were both there.  I lived in the abuse shelters and went to the domestic violence meetings.  We know where you are and where you need to be to get help!

I’ve learned (unknown author)
I’ve learned-
you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.
I’ve learned –
it’s taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I’ve learned –
you should always leave loved ones
with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I’ve learned –
you can keep going
long after you think you can’t.
I’ve learned –
we are responsible for what we do
regardless of how we feel
I’ve learned –
either you control your attitude
or it controls you.
I’ve learned –
regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be
something else to take its place.
I’ve learned –
heroes are the people

who do what had to be done,
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned –
money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I’ve learned –
my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.
I’ve learned –
sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you’re down,
will be the ones to help you get back up.
I’ve learned –
sometimes when I’m angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn’t give me
the right to be cruel.
I’ve learned –
true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
same goes for true love.
I’ve learned –
just because someone doesn’t love
you the way you want them to
doesn’t mean
they don’t love you with all they have.
I’ve learned –
maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you’ve had
and what you’ve learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I’ve learned –
no matter how good a friend is,
he/she is going to hurt you

every once in a while
and
you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned –
it isn’t always enough to be
forgiven by others.
sometimes you
have to learn to forgive yourself
I’ve learned –
no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned –
our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned –
just because two people argue.
it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other
and just because they don’t argue,
it doesn’t mean they do.
I’ve learned –
we don’t have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.
I’ve learned –
you shouldn’t be so eager
to find out a secret.
it could change your life
forever.
I’ve learned –
two people can look at the exact
same thing and see something totally
different.
I’ve learned –
your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don’t even know you.
I’ve learned –
even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you
you will find the strength to help
I’ve learned –
credentials on the wall

do not
make you a decent human being
I’ve learned –
the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.
_____________________________________________________

20 ways to love yourself (unknown author)

~Do go with your instincts and follow your heart.  You will feel good about yourself when you are doing what feels right inside.
~Don’t be lazy about your health and appearance.  The effort you put into eating well and exercising will pay off. 
~Comfort a friend.  Try to cheer them up .  When you are focused on their problems, yours will seem smaller
~Do find your strengths and talents (everyone has some) and make the most of them!
~Don’t be so desperate to have a boyfriend or girlfriend that you use someone you don’t care about to let them use you.  No one feels good in a relationship that lacks caring.
~Do take responsibility for yourself
~Don’t assume that others know or “should know” your needs and desires.  Say what you want.
~Do set goals for yourself that you can achieve-with effort-in the near future.
~Don’t waste energy worrying about things you can’t control.  Accepting what you can’t change frees up energy to take control in other aspects of your life.
~Do hang with positive people who respect themselves and others.
~Don’t forget to smile, even when you feel bad.  Others will smile back at you
~Do something you are good at.  Congratulate yourself for doing it well
~Do connect with someone you care about.  Feeling connected feels good.
~Do create something.  Bake cookies, draw a picture.  Making something happen says, “world, I was here today” and that feels good.
~Do write a journal.  Put those jumbled thoughts and feelings down on paper. Suddenly what seemed confusing becomes much clearer, and you feel better.
~Do clean up a mess. Creating order out of chaos gives you a feeling of control.
~Do someone a favor.  Helping others feels good
~Help out in your neighborhood. Even small efforts to make your world a better place can pay off in good feelings about yourself.
~Challenge yourself. Take pride in your accomplishments
~SING! It is impossible to feel bad about yourself when you are singing even if you can’t carry a tune. SING LOUDLY!!!!

________________________________________

AFFIRMATIONS (unknown author)

1. I am loved because I deserve to be loved.
2. I forgive myself for hurting others, and I forgive others for hurting me.
3. I will accept love.
4. I will surround myself with love and kindness.
5. I am capable of change.
6. I love and approve of myself.
7. I am going to be the best ME that I can be.
8. The past has no power over me.
9. Learn from the past, don’t live there
10.Truth is the unchangeable part of me.
11. Stand up for what you believe
12. I am going to be my own person and resist anyone who tries to stop me.
13. You get treated the way you teach people to treat you.
14. The world will not limit my happiness.
15. Nothing will change in my life if I don’t do something different from what I have been doing.
16. There is no way to happiness… Happiness is the way.
17. What other people think of me is totally up to them.
18. The choice is always mine
19. People will not always understand me.
20. I always have options.
21. Learn from the past; don’t live there
22. I will make each moment a pleasant one
23. I am what I choose to be.
24. Success is a journey, not a destination

25. The past has no power over me.
26. I deserve the best and I accept it now.
27. Truth is the unchangeable part of me
28. The most effective teacher in the world is behavior.
29. Make every moment of your life something to appreciate.
30. Love me for what I am, not what you want me to be.
31. If you don’t forgive then you will be the oly person to suffer.
32. Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.
33. I AM MY OWN BEST FRIEND

______________________________________

Autobiography in 5 short chapters
By Portia Nelson

I
I walk down the street.  There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I fall in.  I am lost…. I am helpless.  It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out

II
I walk down the same street.  There is a deep hole i the sidewalk.  I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.  I can’t believe I am in the same place, but it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the street.  There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.  I still fall in… it’s a habit, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.  It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.



{September 10, 2009}   Politically NOT!

Politics. Yuck! This is something you will RARELY hear me talk about, so here it is. I’ll get this out in the open right now. I HATE Politics. Well, okay, maybe I don’t really hate them, I don’t understand them What-so-ever. I’ve tried. I’ve spent countless hours trying to get my poor Pappy (when he was alive) and my mother to teach it to me. She sort of lost me on the whole Electoral College thing. I am one of the most Politically challenged people you will ever know. I have plans to continue to try and understand. I read all I can find. I’d really like to see some of these interviews and documentaries on it. The newer one coming out “The Youngest Candidate” from Jason Pollock is one I’d really like to see. Maybe if I see it from a teenager’s point of view, I might be able understand a bit more. So before all you political junkies rip me several new assholes, realize this: I’ve tried. And I still have my opinions like everyone else.

Over the years, as I’ve tried to read up and research what I could, I’ve come to a few conclusions. The biggest one being this: Politics is simply one big popularity contest. It’s like friggin’ high school. Let’s see what we can claim to do for all of you, even if we know there isn’t a chance we can do. But I like high school simplicity a lot better.

Here comes my first point that you are going to go ape shit on me for. Political parties. Why?!!! Are we not one damn country. For the people. By the people. I am registered as Independent for this reason. I don’t get the point of segregating ourselves. I think we’d have a lot less confusion if we just let each man, woman, whatever stand on their own, pleading their cases. Some day I foresee another war within our country. And it isn’t going to be anything like the Union versus the Confederacy. It is going to be the Republicans versus the Democrats. Personally, if you just be you, and be honest, hey, cool. I like you much better than the dumb ass speaking from his party, and not his own beliefs. One Nation.

More than anything though, my next issue the biggest for me. The way the American people are acting towards our new President. Get this straight about me: I did not vote for Obama. I tried to follow all the parties. McCain wasn’t even my first choice. But more people than just me did vote. America spoke. I am an American. I support my country. My country choose Obama. Cool. They probably know better than me anyway. Even though I didn’t vote for him, he is here. I feel that means he DESERVES a chance. It hasn’t even been a year. Hell, it wasn’t even a month, and all I saw were people bitching about how he wasn’t doing anything for us. Cheese and Rice, People!!!!! What was that old saying? Rome wasn’t built in a day? Well, I’m sure rebuilding America is going to take more than a year. Or four. During the campaigns and even now, I hear all kinds of things. One source saying that Obama is for this way of life or this bill, and another source saying that the other source is a lie. So how am I supposed to know?! I guess I just have to wait it out and see.

I didn’t get to watch the Presidents speech to the children (here is the written speech) this week. I have no TV. And since I am pretty technologically challenged, I couldn’t find it online (here is the video), I even searched YouTube. (I should have done what I usually do and begged OffensiveJ to send me some kind of link. I may still do that.) The same with last night’s speech. But I have heard non-stop the details of it. I am so appalled at people. First, with the speech to the kids: Why was this so bad?! I think it is great. Are we such a close minded paranoid nation that we think our own LEADER is out to get us? Again, I didn’t vote for him, but I damn sure am going to stand behind him now that he is our leader. I also did not trash him during our elections. (Although in joke I think I did once or twice play into that “Antichrist” bit. But seriously!) And it really disgusted me that not even minutes after he was elected, I received non-stop disrespectful joke texts from so many small-minded people.

I am even more deeply saddened at our nation on what I heard about last night’s speech. Maybe the high school comparison was on target. Because that is what I heard our congress acted like during the broadcast. We are off fighting in other countries, trying to make them “better” when we can’t even “play” as one team in our own damn country.

I am all for the causes of our world. Save the Rain forests, Stop Global Warming. Stop Domestic Violence. But seriously, how can we “save” anyone else when we are so screwed up within ourselves. I have a new cause for you. SAVE AMERICA. Maybe if we start there, we can actually make a difference somewhere else.

Grow the fuck up people. Life is about life. Not just you.

Tomorrow I will be back to just bitching about life in general again.  So for now, here’s OffensiveJ.
_____________________________________________
Thanks OffensiveChris as usual, you pretty much summed it up!  The one thing I want to add is this…
IF I EVER GET ANOTHER RACIST TEXT MESSAGE AGAIN AGAINST THE PRESIDENT (or even about Michael Jackson or any other person) I WILL SCREAM AND WILL THEN POST YOUR CELL NUMBERS SO THAT EVERYONE ON TWITTER CAN SPAM YOU CALLING YOU A RACIST! Its rude, and I don’t appreciate it so don’t even do it! (btw, this is being addressed to EVERYONE!
Oh, I’m also politically challenged and I don’t understand all of it, but I can still tell when people are bullshitting me or not!


Okay people, now explain this one to me. When did we become so childish that we cannot even say the correct terms for body parts?! I mean seriously, we are grown-ups, right? Do we want our children growing up afraid to actually call their penises and vagina’s by their right names?

I was reading a blog the other day, where a woman was talking about her daughter and her body parts. I don’t even remember what the actual topic was at this point. At the end of the page this professional woman made reference to little Haley (or whatever her name was) and her Vajayjay. Wait. What?! What is that? Some new Rap Artist I haven’t caught on the radio yet, or seen in the scandal tabloids yet? No, she was talking about her daughter’s vagina. Vajayjay. Really.

So I brought this topic up to some of my friends and readers and was in complete shock at some of the things I’ve heard. Of course we have some of the old favorites on the list. Bird. Pussy. Cunt. Twat. Can we get more grotesquely vulgar?! And then I heard a few that made me cry out laughing, feeling sorry for the poor girl who grew up calling hers a “bunny.” Bunny?! Those cute little furry things? Lets take this one for a moment. There is a children’s book, Pat the Bunny. Don’t even think of patting this bunny. And how about the Energizer commercials where it says “Do you have the bunny inside.” Let me check. Yep. No crotchless panties for me. Blue Bunny ice cream. Is that the female version of blue balls? And here is my favorite she gave me: Veggie tales song: The Bunny Song. It goes something like this: “The bunny, the bunny, oh I ate the bunny… and now I feel sick in head from the bunny…” Are you freakin’ kidding me?! I can see all of you snickering like teenagers in Sex Ed. Come on people! It is a damn VAGINA!! Don’t do this to your kid. Could you imagine some 80-year-old woman, telling her gynecologist that her bunny is hurting. I wouldn’t be surprised he told her with a straight face to call her vet.

Now here is the one that affects me more, considering I have sons. Penis. What is wrong with saying penis?! What do we have here: dick, woody, pecker, cock. And from the same poor girl who has a bunny, her brothers and uncles all had “little rose buds.” OMG. Could you do this to your son. He’s in gym class and gets nailed with the kickball. He then has to tell his coach that he was hurt in his little rose bud. Do we need a gardener?! My son was huge into the movie Toy Story for about 2 years. We had tons of Buzz and Woody dolls lying around. One year for Christmas I decided to get him this large doll of Woody, that came with some pretty cool accessories. So excited, he ran up to a family member that evening saying “Aunty! Look! I have a big Woody!” The snickers and sniggers traveling the room were deafening. And dick. It’s a name! We’ve condemned every man ever named Richard to this phallic nickname for eternity. I feel so sorry for the race car driver who’s parents named him Dick Trickle. Honest to God, there really was a driver named that. What the hell is wrong with people?! Why, oh why would you to that to your kids. It’s the same with their poor little testicles. Balls, berries, nuts, family jewels. They are TESTICLES people! Testicles.

So can we please, please be grown-ups about all this. Don’t we show our immaturity in enough other ways?

Well, here is OffensiveJ while I go change my son’s tushie!


(And a big thank you to OffensiveJ for reminding me of my irritation on this topic!)
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A small list of words meaning BREASTS!
(courtesy of http://www.dribbleglass.com/Jokes/breasts.htm)

Baby Pillows, Balloons, Bangers, Bassoons, Baubles, Bazongas, Bee Stings, Betty and Wilmas, Betty Boops,Big Boppers,Blouse Bunnies, Bologna Bags, Boobies, Boozies, Bosoms, Bottles, Bodacious Tatas, Boulders, Cannon Balls, Cans, Cantaloupes, Carumbas, Casabas, Cha-Chas, Charlies, Charms, Cherry pies, Dinner Plates, Dirigibles, Double Whammies, Droopies, Dueling Banjos, Ear Muffs, Feeding Bottles, Flesh Melons, Floaters, Floppers, Gazongas, Glands, Globes, Grapefruits, Guavas, Hand Warmers, Headlamps, Headlights, Hooters, Hottentots, Huffies, Jugs, Jumbos, Kazongas, Knobs, Knockers, Love Melons, Love Muffins, Lulus, Lungs

A small list of words meaning PENIS!
(courtesy of http://www.butchcrassidyjokes.com/penis_slang.html)

Harry Johnson,  Harry Wang, The little soldier, Willie, Dick, Cock (roosters are known for getting up in the morning), Summer Sausage, The wild bologna pony, The head that thinks for me, My little pony, The “Package”, Unit, The Tool, Power Drill, Jack Hammer, Schlong (for some it should be called Schort.), Weiner, Frankfurter, Larry, Jack-in-the-box, Noodle, Captain Winkie, Better than chocolate, “IT”, The one eyed monster, The magic wand, The joystick, The Salamander, The Snake (a.k.a. Boa)

A small list of words meaning VAGINA!
(courtesy of
http://www.blackchampagne.com/slang-dirty.shtml#vagina)

Axe/hatchet wound Ass mate Bearded oyster Beaver Beef curtains Bikini bizkit Cock holster Cooter (Southern US regionalism) Cherry pop Cat flaps Cha-cha Chuff Furburger Grumble Hairy goblet (what a knight might drink from) Honey pot Honeysuckle Hooch Hush puppy Lick-me-please-me Muff Mud flaps Map of Tassie/Mapatazi (Map of Tasmania) Panty hamster Passion fruitPoonany Quim Southern belle Taco (pink) Tongue magnet Velcro triangle Vertical bacon sandwich Vertical smile Wunder down under

vagina2



{September 4, 2009}   Parental Advisory

What is up with you people now-a-days? And by “you people” I mean anyone in contact with children, in any way, shape or form. Where to begin on this one? I’ve got a head full of thoughts here.

First and foremost, I am a parent. I love being a parent. It’s all I ever really wanted. Even when they are screaming full glass breaking squeals and throwing Matchbox cars at each other, making me want to rip every strand of my hair out, or start up a severe drinking binge, I love my kids. I couldn’t imagine not havin them. But something seems to happen in people’s heads when a child comes into the picture, even strangers. If a child registers on their radar, it’s like there is this instant little click in their heads, telling them how to react.

What gets me is the sheer stupidity that seems to seep out of some people when this happens. Lets start with the ones least influential on the little one, Strangers. I understand it can be completely frustrating, when you are out, minding your own business, and someone’s “unruly” child starts acting up. I’ve been there. I have kids, and can attest to the fact that other peoples kids can make my skin crawl. But I keep it too myself. I don’t shoot dirty looks, or “tsk” at them or make comments about the parents. Here’s the deal: You don’t have a damn clue what that person’s situation it. I have been in this place myself, as well. I’ve wanted to leave the store crying because my toddlers were having meltdowns in the grocery store. But I have to get the things I need, and I have to do it alone. That person you are so angry at for letting their horrible child loose in Walmart, could be some single mom whose husband beat her, and left her, and now this is what she is left to deal with. ON HER OWN. Children’s emotions are not something you can just control. Especially toddlers. They DON’T know any better. They are still learning. Hell, it’s hard enough controlling my own damn emotions, let alone my two year olds. Recently I read a story on Mom Logic about this older man who slapped someone else’s child. They were in Walmart and the little two year was crying. The man walks over and threatens the woman to “shut her up” or he would. And when the child could not be calmed, he walked back up to the child and slapped her several times across the face. I know. Appalling right? And do you know what was just as appalling? The outrageous comments on that page from some of the readers. They support what the man did, and even lay blame on the victims. So here is my word on children in public: Unless you see that child in some sort of danger, MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!! Go home, bitch to yourself. Vent on your blog. Leave the people in peace.

Now, on to the Parents. What the hell goes through your heads?! Did you loose braincells along with all your afterbirth? Lets start with the ones who like to be the “cool” parents. You say your quirky little remarks, act like you just don’t care, and basically put on this big show of how laid back you are. And if this is an act, maybe you shouldn’t have had children. I was reading on the same parent site yesterday about a mother who “hates” her children. Now granted, I believe this was all written with exaggeration for an attempt at humor. I don’t really believe that the woman hates her kids. But by trying to be that cool parent who writes what she thought was witty, she inadvertently puts down her children. I think that shows poor parental judgment. You really want to prove my point on these kinds of parents, just read up on The Octomom.

Next we get into the “Open Our Mouths Before We Think” Parents. These are the parents who have to find fault in every little thing in life, and why their child should not be exposed to it, why it is in violation of their children’s rights, and blah, blah, blah. There are honest to God situations that come up that you have a right to open your mouths. Bullying. There is a good one. Especially when the damn school board wont do anything to protect your child. Or your child finally has had enough, and defends himself, and he gets in trouble. Charge in there! Defend him. He deserves to know you stand behind him. But, if it is something that say, the school is teaching, shut your damn mouths. You enrolled your child in that school. If you don’t like what is going on, put them some place else. I feel when you make the choice to put your child somewhere, it is like signing one of those “Terms of Agreement” contracts. You choose to follow those rules, or the contract is null and void. I’m sick of seeing this. For instance, recently a school bad teacher got into trouble for creating a cute little tee shirt about the evolution of instruments. He used the classic picture of Darwin’s apes turning into man. And people went nuts because it was against religion. (Before you start tearing me apart about religious beliefs, know this:  This is NOT about religion. It is about parenting. I’m only using this instance as an example. (http://www.momlogic.com/2009/09/band_shirt_evolution_intelligent_design.php) Come on people. Common sense. Your child is in a public school. Religion as you’ve seen is shunned here. If you don’t want your child to know about Evolution, put them in a private Christian school, or into homeschooling. Teach them Creation yourself, and if you set a good example in what you believe, they will follow your footsteps. When did this become others responsibilities?

Okay, so how about these “plastic bubble” parents?! You know them. They are the “you can’t go to the playground, there might be germs” type parents. Have you ever heard the song “A Different World” by Bucky Covington? Go listen to it. I’ll wait. That is the world I grew up in. I lived. I’m healthy. I tend to think I’m “normal.” My children have a right to grow up the same. I mean okay, I’m not going to smoke and drink while I’m pregnant like in the song, but you get the point.
I was amused, and slightly sad for the little girl in the piece I read yesterday on a mom who won’t let her child attend sleepovers.  Her big worries: TPing houses, crank calling boys, and playing with a Ouija Board. Come on, even TPing someone’s house is harmless, even if it is annoying. It’s TOILET PAPER! Children are growing up to be big annoying crybabies who think they should be handed things. Spoiled, and sheltered. How about this now, where all kids make a team? Please! I got cut. A lOT. It didn’t damage my self imagine. I learned about disappointment, and that if I really wanted something I had to work hard to get it.

Of course I shouldn’t even have to touch on the issue of the last kind of parent. The one who is abusive, neglectful, or just plain doesn’t care. If anyone feels these people have a case to argue, well, maybe you should join them in jumping off a cliff somewhere.
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The only thing I want to add here is the “My life is so perfect, I’m the perfect Suzy Homemaker even though everyone thinks I’m on drugs because I’m so fucking happy all the time”!  You know these types… The ones that make parenting look like a damn cakewalk.  These are the parents that never once raised a voice or hand to their child and they had the perfect children that didn’t have colic and slept through the night on day one.  (and if you actually believe that bullshit, you need to also lay off the crack pipe along with them).  I’m sorry but parenting in this world will never be this perfect and if you can give me proof otherwise I will personally video tape an apology to you (but your proof better be in video format with time stamps and medical histories stating you didn’t have postpartum depression ever) The only family more annoying than these types is the Clearver’s (Leave it to Beaver)!

You can stop the act, we see right through your “perfect” life.  Its okay you can admit that you secretly had thoughts of wanting to smack your child for talking back to you or something similar to that… IT’S NORMAL! IT’S OKAY!



{September 3, 2009}   Politically what?

Okay, here it is plain and simple. I extremely abhor all this Political Correct bullshit in our world. Grow up people!! There was a time and place where people just lived, and dealt with each other. Now you can’t open your damn mouth without offending someone around every little twist and turn in life. I understand, there are some big issues out there, and some people do make some idiotic statements. But getting offended over every little opinion is just down right asinine.
This is why I love the movie PCU so much. You might watch it and laugh, and say “Oh, that is just exaggerated.” But guess what?! Look around you at all bitching and moaning going on. Logging onto the internet is like taking a step onto their campus. So just call me Droz. He has the right idea.
The crap that gets people worked up blows my mind.
Everytime I turn around someone pitching a fit about something small. Can you not just live? What the hell happened to us that we’ve turned out to be such a bunch of whiny-ass crybabies?! Seriously people, get over yourselves.

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Absolutely! Chris brings up some very good points here. Our society has become a bunch
of boohoo bawl babies and the crying bullshit needs to stop. All this political correctness has basically caused all of us to live in fear of upsetting one protest group or another. I don’t know about all of you but I don’t want to be forced to eat my big triple cheeseburger with extra grease in the confines of a cardboard box just to appease all those vegetarians out that that think they need to spew forth all their beliefs on how MY eating meat is just downright disgusting.

I’m a human, and I eat red meat…. and I’m damn proud of it

*takes bite of her triple cheeseburger*

If you don’t like meat then have fun munching on your lettuce and soy burger! Its not like I’m going to tell you that I take offense to people that eat living PLANTS!

So why not get off your asses and just start living instead of bitching? (harsh, I know.. but the truth hurts sometimes) I’m sure some of you can use the fresh air!



et cetera